So Sad... it’s Funny

by Travis Irvine

For some liberals, October 28, 2005, was a new ‘day that will live in infamy.’ The Bush administration was finally given a blow when the Vice-President’s Chief of Staff, I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby, was indicted on two counts of perjury, two counts of obstructing justice and one count of being a grown man called “Scooter.”

On the radio, Al Franken talked about what a great day it was, while Frenchmen and hippies danced arm and arm in the streets. Birds were singing, the sun was shining, and there was much rejoicing.

The charges could not be more appropriate for someone of this administration. While the CIA leak case is not solved, and probably never will be, Libby was nailed for going in front of a grand jury and lying. Not only did he say he heard about Valerie Plame’s covert status from other reporters – when he in fact was telling reporters himself – he also tried to convince them that Plame, in his words, “totally used to be a dude.” But besides trying to play the ‘Plame Game’ – ba dom ching, thank you – Libby’s dishonesty represents something the Bush clan has become proficient at in the last four years.

These guys could write a ‘How-to’ book about lying, and Joseph Goebbels would pen the forward. They’ve lied about the War on Terror, the War in Iraq, their 9/11 foul-ups, their corporate ties, and where and how they get their money for golf games in Scotland. They’re very good. People who believe in the honesty of this administration need to be smacked in the face with a newspaper.

Hopefully, Libby’s defense that “all the cool Chiefs of Staff are doing it,” won’t hold up in court. If he is convicted, it will be one small step in restoring some honesty to the White House.

It could also provide some further insight as to why the office of the Vice-President was so involved with the leak in the first place. Perhaps they’ll find the office janitor knows every covert CIA agents’ name and has serious turrets. They wanted to fire him, but let’s face it – things would only get much worse from there.

This whole mess drives me to think of a world where the White House didn’t have to lie, and the Bush administration was up front about their mindsets and motives. The relief it could bring to everyone! They wouldn’t have to waste their time putting on a façade and the press wouldn’t have to bother deciphering it. The new policy would be to just tell it like it is.

REPORTER: What’s up with Iraq?

PRESS SECRETARY: We went to Iraq so our oil companies possess oil until the world runs out. This is to support Americans’ ridiculous consumption needs and to get rich.

REPORTER: And the War on Terror?

PRESS SECRETARY: Really just an excuse to increase military spending and invade countries we need. Once again – oil. Mainly oil.

REPORTER: And what about 9/11? What happened there?

PRESS SECRETARY: Ooo, good one. 9/11 was kinda, sorta allowed to happen so we could push through our new foreign policies involving us invading countries with oil. Come on people; not rocket science here.

REPORTER: Aren’t you worried about this getting to voters?

PRESS SECRETARY: (bellowing laughter) Voters! That’s funny. You’re funny.

The gullibility of the public really is proving to be democracy’s weakest aspect, dare I say undoing. In a government based on the public, public opinion is God, and often can be too easily manipulated or misinformed. Minds can be changed with a simple twist of words, a careful omission of facts or details, a creative generalization or euphemism. Through the power and tools of public relations and marketing, an economically driven war against a sovereign nation can turn into a fight to spread freedom. With the expansive mass media we can spread these messages faster and easier all over the country, and we can add really neat graphics to give it some sex appeal.

Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald used Libby’s own words against him. A similar process could be exercised considering all the contradictory and false statements made by members of the administration over the past four years. The list of ‘perjury’ and ‘obstruction of justice’ charges would be longer than a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.

Unfortunately, it’s not illegal to lie to the public.

The trials will proceed, the White House will adjust, and soon the CIA leak case will be forgotten. But hopefully by the end of it, the jury will tell Libby exactly what he deserves to hear. “Scooter, you made a bad decision. Now go to your room. And take the turrets guy with you. He’s hogging the oil.”