Up close and personal with College Republicans

I recently had a thrilling encounter with the rare and beautiful campus conservatus at a College Republicans club meeting in Baker’s 1954 room.

I entered to find the club’s Executive Board addressing the meeting from a front desk. I made a quick head count; 40 students and maybe two or three others. It was the largest gathering of campus conservatus I had ever witnessed.

The meeting focused on local campaigns and the work the club would do for them. Jokes and comments kept the meeting lively.

My attention soon began to wander, and after about 10 minutes, I was wondering what actually went on at the post-meeting socials everyone kept referring to. That’s when I got the secret message.

“You should be more careful next time you try to practice espionage,” the voice whispered as several clipboards with volunteer sign-up sheets plopped on my lap. I looked up to find myself face-to-face with a very serious campus consvervitus.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about man,” I stammered. “I’m just a freelance journalist. Here, do you want to look at my notes?” He glanced down, apologized, and returned to his seat. My heart raced as I recorded the encounter in my notes: “conservatus thinks I’m a spy!” At the end of the general meeting I made a break for the door. My campus conservitus followed me out.

“Get some good notes in there?” He asked.

“Nothing too juicy,” I replied. We introduced ourselves and left Baker to talk on the street. My new friend was freshman Dennis Normile. He had recently looked into military service, but decided to come to OU and work for the local Republicans.

“We are very paranoid,” he said during our lengthy discourse. Apparently there had been Democratic infiltrators at previous meetings, and it would be a mistake to let, “The Enemy,” as he called them, get their hands on any campaign plans.

I decided to track down this “Enemy” and get some answers. I found him disguised as an R.A. in Bryan Hall. He is Mark Gaffney, president of the College Democrat’s statewide organization and former president of the OU Democrats.

“There has never been a spy component to our plan,” Gaffney told me. “What kind of information could we get from their meetings?”

Gaffney pointed me in the direction of current College Democrats Executive President Rob Dorans, who agreed with Gaffney, saying spying doesn’t usually occur on the local level like it does at the state or national level.

“It basically comes down to rumor and innuendo, and in this business that can mean fact,” he said. “The College Democrats and Republicans are more like rival fraternities who tear down each others signs and go over each others chalk on campus.”

Both Gaffney and Dorans said they never suspected that Republicans spy on them, though they each mentioned that the College Democrats have had to identify and remove College Republicans members on their e-mail list-serve.

So according to the Democrats, given that they can be trusted, Republicans have no reason to worry about spies. So why did I startle them so much? I decided to take my question to the top of the ladder; College Republicans President Jordan Carr, the most powerful of the campus conservitus. I tracked him down on his home turf after another College Republicans meeting.

“Everybody knows each other,” Carr told me. “There are very few secrets in campus politics.”

So, why mistake me, a college kid with a notebook, for a spy?

“Democrats have come to our meetings,” Carr said. “We have had, you know, a spy, someone who’s obviously not a Republican.”

What, do I look like Elton John or something?

Gaffney suggested the paranoia of campus conservatus may be due to their hostile environment. I agreed, after all it can’t be easy to survive in a habitat full of liberal intellectuals, pot-smoking college kids and wild-eyed lefties calling for peace and lunacy. Perhaps the Republicans have just adapted to Athens.

Then again, what does Gaffney know anyway? Partisan leaders don’t give straight answers; they say what benefits their party the most. No wonder the stories didn’t add up. The only person who was genuine with me was Dennis, even if he did think I was a spy. I decided to call him up and let him have the last word.

During my second conversation with Dennis, we discussed this piece a bit, but there was much more to talk about. We talked issues, continuing a conversation we had started after our initial misunderstanding. Together we remembered growing up Catholic and joked about partisan bickering. We dissected the drug war and neo-conservatism. I changed my mind.

Dennis, I never told you that I was anti-Republican for most of my life. I never told you that I’m an anarchist because I figured “libertarian” sounded less scary. As it turns out, none of that matters. We are just two people figuring out our world, and when we talk, I feel that the borders drawn between us vanish. Dennis, I never told you because you already knew. Thanks. •

Here comes Alito...

by Mike Ludwig

If you listen carefully, you can hear the screams echo from every progressive meeting, email list, and web blog within fifty miles.

AAAAAAAAAAH!

Be afraid little activist, be very afraid. Alito is coming. He is going to bomb women’s clinics with judicial activism and give anybody who listens to Ted Nugent a semi-automatic to play with. He’ll search every 10 year-old-girl for dope, spy on your uncle for sporting a Veterans Against Bush bumper sticker, and even scale skyscrapers to grab unsuspecting blondes from their penthouses.

Yes, Judge Sam Alito’s nomination could be the Bush administration’s worst attack on our shared values since, well, damn near two weeks ago. But wait, there’s hope! Remember wondering what y ou are going to do with your degree that’s costing way too much? Well, its time to meet Prominent-DC-Liberal-Think-Tank-Hey-Wanna-Hang-out? Guy! He just wants to be friends with everybody and then give out FREE super-cool glossy flyers and pamphlets about stopping Alito. The kids in the Marxist groups would totally have to pay for these. Even better, he’s got the only job your Integrated Degree in Political Arts and Linguistics Communication will ever land you, whatever it is, so you can get some great tips on having a future.

As it turns out, our options in stopping this neo-con nut are groundbreaking. At one meeting I attended we discussed the possibility of a candlelight vigil, and even tabling at College Green with all the sweet FREE stuff we get from Prominent-DC-Liberal-Think-Tank-Hey-Wanna-Hang-out? Guy. Plus, there is no way our loyal representatives in Congress could confirm Alito after their mail boxes fill with sweet FREE pre-made dissent notes signed by their college age constituents.

Now there is a problem. How are we going to get enough people to sign our sweet FREE stuff? There are thousands of students who would agree, but they are all to busy drinking and caring about other things than politics. Don’t they understand the urgency of this situation?

I confronted one of my politically apathetic friends about this issue, and even gave him one of my glossy pamphlets from Washington.

“Man, this is messed up,” he said.

“I know dude, now do you understand why I am so worried about this stuff all the time?” I said.

“Yeah, but you get stressed out because you spend so much time on it. You go to all these meetings and make a bunch of copies of stuff, but in the end some old dudes you don’t even know are going to make these decisions for you. Maybe they’ll care what you say, but probably not.”

But our flyers are so glossy…

My friend has a point.

We work far too hard to ensure our leaders make the right decisions for us, but get little in return. This can be frustrating and cause people to burn out of grassroots activism. We could be putting this energy into solving our problems on our own, but instead we throw pebbles at the institutions that attempt to solve them for us.

 
Samuel Alito’s appointment could be the breaking point in the Supreme Court during a crucial time in American politics. He could decide what is taught in our schools without ever meeting a student. He could make a drastic choice for millions of women, even though he is a man and has never held another life in his body. The consequences of his discretion, and those of his elite colleagues, could enter into a million nameless lives on any given day.

Perhaps this explains my friend’s attitude. It’s not apathy that keeps him from action, is hopelessness. It’s not worth it. They are too many, we are too few. They have the bombs, we have television. Sit down and go back to work.

Fortunately, we don’t all feel that way. Those of us who believe in a better future know that good things take time. Perhaps one day our wish for control over our own lives and communities will be fulfilled and we won’t have to waste our time fighting some old rich guy we’ve never met. Until then we should reconsider our habit of simply reacting to oppression, and instead take action that reduces our obedience to the top-down structure that allows it to happen in the first place.

I hope this piece made you laugh a little, for it is our ability to laugh at ourselves and our world, to admit that no one is above criticism or comedy that proves our potential. Our minds and movements are free to evolve as we discuss, disagree, overcome, and learn from each other and every passing moment. Relax. Samuel Alito’s ascendance through the ranks of the Right may give him a seat of unreasonable power, but it’s just that, unreasonable. At least we will still know what it’s like to be human. •